Friday, August 31, 2012

My emotions are still very raw from last Wednesday night.  I keep seeing her face at the end.  When the Vet brought her in for me to say my goodbyes.  She looked at me, She knew who I was.  She attempted to lick my face, I got down to let her do so.  She looked straight at me and her eyes said it all:  She knew it was the end was letting me know that it was okay to let her go.  That look in those little brown eyes told me that she herself was letting go and that it was okay that I was letting her go.

Poor Sophie has been so confused.  The scent of Phoebe is still around us.  Sophie has gotten into the chair Phoebe usually sat but Phoebe isn't there and Sophie has that questioning look on her face.  "Where is she?"  She has been getting up into my lap more today than usual.  I hold her, I talk with her,  I tell her Phoebe isn't coming back, a couple minutes later she gets down and jumps into her basket and looks up at me with a sad sorrowful face.  She doesn't understand why Phoebe went away and why she isn't coming back.

We will wake up tomorrow morning, I will take Sophie outside.  Maybe she will check the yard to see if Phoebe is nearby.  Maybe she will come back in and get into the chair then back down when she discovers that Phoebe isn't there.  Maybe she will give me that "Where is she look"...then again maybe she won't.

In time I will close off that part of my heart she dwells in, I will touch the container her ashes are in every now and then, tell her I miss her.  Remind myself that I used to call her "Freebie" and probably tear up, just like I still do with Pebbles, with Max.  I will heal, Sophie will heal...but for now, our emotions are raw...